Improving Relations
by MyGirlCrais
Summary: In which Legolas gets a bad idea, Thranduil gets a worse one, Glorfindel gets what he's always wanted and Haldir gets propositioned...a lot
1. Diplomatic Relations

DISCLAIMER: The Lord of the Rings and the rest of the contents of Arda, Valinor and the Halls of Mandos (plus whatever the hell equivalent is, if they have one) belong to J R R Tolkien. Although, quite honestly, he probably wouldn't recognise this as being the same world.  
  
TIMING: Nominally post LoTR, but it doesn't really matter  
  
WARNING: SLASH (basically smut-less, all humour) except for Haldir who didn't want to play and Elladan who did but didn't get any. Also starring Legolas, Thranduil and Glorfindel. Elrohir mentioned, but somehow I didn't need him.  
  
WARNING: On no account should this story be taken seriously.  
  
This story has three parts, all written already. Vaguely thinking of adding a fourth, depends on reaction so far.  
  
Mellon-nin – my friend Yrchions – sons of orcs (is the plural of ion ions or something else?)  
  
'Improving Relations'  
  
or 'Mirkwood Magic' or 'TOW Haldir's No Fun'  
  
'Part 1'  
  
Haldir's mouth currently hung somewhere around the level of his knees.  
  
"Legolas," he said weakly. "I am certain I must have misheard you."  
  
The Prince of Mirkwood looked back at him, the picture of calm, and took another sip of wine. As if he hadn't just made what could only be described as a thoroughly indecent proposal.  
  
"Not at all. I said would like to have you naked, tied to my bed and smothered in something edible. I think that will do for starters, anyway."  
  
Haldir's mind was less racing than it was running for its life. He'd long known that Legolas' tastes ran further towards the masculine than his own, but until this moment he'd been labouring under the delusion that any interest he inspired in the other elf was purely platonic. Apparently not.  
  
Using his formidable willpower, he summoned enough strength to close his mouth and regain the aloof, slightly haughty expression that had always served him so well.  
  
"Legolas," he began, "I believe we need to clarify the boundaries of our relationship."  
  
Legolas actually had the gall to grin. "You have not yet heard my reasoning."  
  
Relatively unaccustomed as he was to being so blatantly propositioned by a member of his own sex – since all of Lorien knew his preferences - Haldir was fairly sure he had grasped that much of the situation. His stoic demeanour faltered a little as he remembered the innocent outdoor bath they had shared just the other day. He'd thought nothing of it, something he was used to doing as a soldier, but all the time Legolas had been looking and fantasising and . . .  
  
Legolas grasped both Haldir's shoulders firmly, mercifully ending that trail of thought before it led Haldir to insanity.  
  
"Mellon-nin, I am not trying to seduce you. Fear not, that thought has never crossed my mind."  
  
For a moment Haldir actually considered getting insulted by that, but on balance he decided to go with relieved.  
  
Legolas released him and started to pace restlessly around his chambers.  
  
"My father has it in his head that you and I are involved . . ."  
  
That certainly explained a few things. Like why the just slightly imposing king of Eryn Lasgalen had been giving Haldir looks that suggested he would like to impale him repeatedly on his sword. Literally, that was. Although possibly figuratively as well since, when it came to Thranduil, one never knew.  
  
". . . and naturally I would like to encourage this as much as possible."  
  
He hadn't just heard that.  
  
"Have you taken complete leave of your senses?" Haldir demanded. "Thranduil barely tolerates our friendship. If he finds the smallest shred of evidence to suggest that I have overstepped my bounds that far, the most I can hope for is for him to personally hurl me in the direction of Lorien. And most likely he will hasten my journey to Mandos."  
  
"It's just one tiny little favour," Legolas pleaded, with the wide-eyed look that Haldir had never been able to understand the appeal of.  
  
"Being tied to your bed and left entirely at the mercy of anyone who happens to walk in is *not* a tiny little favour."  
  
"But all I want is for my father to see you there! The whole thing should take five minutes. Then he'll believe I'm bedding you and all will be well."  
  
Somewhere in that chain of logic, Haldir was missing a link.  
  
"Why exactly are you so determined for your father to believe us to be lovers?" he asked, studying his long-time friend intently. "What would you gain from this?"  
  
Legolas was avoiding his gaze. That always meant bad things. "I would just like to keep his eyes from me for a while."  
  
Haldir's eyes narrowed. "This is about the twins, isn't it? Which one . . . or is it both?"  
  
Legolas looked as though he was going to deny everything, then dropped his act. "Elrohir," he admitted.  
  
"You have appalling taste in lovers."  
  
Legolas bristled. "Now see here, Haldir . . ."  
  
Haldir held up his hand to stop the tirade before it got going. "By which I mean," he said, "that you have a knack for making the most unwise choices of partners on offer. Was not one of Elrond's sons enough for you?"  
  
Legolas gave him a cheeky grin. "Not at all. You should try one." He frowned. "Just not my one."  
  
"I will take that under advisement," Haldir said dryly. "But I am not, under any circumstances, going to aid you in this ridiculous idea. When your father discovers that you are involved with one of Lord Elrond's sons, he will throw one of his tempests and you will probably find yourself exiled to Lorien along with me. The only possible way you could escape that fate would be to successfully distract Thranduil himself, and that is unheard of."  
  
The look that had appeared on Legolas' face was one produced by a mind working furiously to produce pure evil. Haldir found himself seriously wondering if there was any possibility that Legolas might actually be related to Elrond's hellions.  
  
Just when he'd thought that whole scenario couldn't get any more disturbing.  
  
"Unheard of," Legolas was saying thoughtfully, "but not impossible. And I know just the elf to do it. Of course it's going to take quite some doing, but the results might just be worth it."  
  
"What?" Haldir asked, steeling himself for a display of pure, unadulterated insanity.  
  
"The solution is simple," Legolas said brightly. "I'll just get Adar together with Lord Glorfindel."  
  
And there it was.  
  
***  
  
Elrond's long serving – and long suffering – seneschal stood at the window watching the catastrophic quad as they headed off into the forest. Elladan and Elrohir – under his sole charge for the duration of their visit – were carrying a large picnic basket between them. Behind them, Haldir and Legolas appeared to be engaged in a furious argument that involved many rude gestures. The last thing Glorfindel saw before the four of them disappeared into the woods was Legolas making a strangling motion behind Haldir's back.  
  
"So nice to see them getting along, isn't it?"  
  
Glorfindel turned and regarded the king of Mirkwood carefully, not entirely certain whether he was being sarcastic or just blind. From what he knew of Thranduil, he was leaning towards the former.  
  
"I have to admit, Thranduil," he said carefully, watching to see what the reaction would be, "I was surprised to learn that such an alliance had formed between Greenwood and Lorien."  
  
Thranduil's lips curved in a decidedly unpleasant smile. "There is no alliance there, although my son would have me believe there is. And if my son is to bind with one from outside our borders, I would have him look in another direction. Lorien fades now that Galadriel has sailed over the sea and much could be gained from an alliance with Imladris."  
  
Glorfindel had an unpleasant feeling he knew where this conversation was leading. "Do you have anyone specific in mind?"  
  
"They are so alike it does not seem to matter. I will let my son distinguish between them."  
  
"You do realise," Glorfindel said, "that as their guardian for this visit, I am honour bound to object strongly to this."  
  
Thranduil waved off that comment. "Those little yrchions are far past their majority, though admittedly they rarely act like it. If anything, my son should be protected from them."  
  
Actually that was probably exactly what Elrond had had mind.  
  
"Are you suggesting that you are going to attempt to match-make your own son with one of my charges?" Glorfindel said, privately thinking that Thranduil himself would be a good match for one of them.  
  
"Nay," Thranduil said, his eyes taking on a dangerous glint as he moved to stand at Glorfindel's side. "I'm suggesting that *we* are going to *succeed* in matchmaking my son with one of your charges."  
  
Without several millennia of practise at controlling his responses, Glorfindel might well have had to move away so Thranduil didn't realise what effect his presence invariably had on the blond. The fact that his attraction to Thranduil had existed most of that time didn't help matters.  
  
"What exactly do you mean 'we'?" he asked, trying very hard not to like the sound of that.  
  
Thranduil laid an arm that felt hot enough to brand him across his shoulders. "I mean just that, seneschal," he said. "What could be better for improving relations between our two realms than the two of us working together?"  
  
Glorfindel was about to suggest that a full-scale civil war might be a better diplomatic exercise, when Thranduil leaned close enough for him to feel the king's breath on his ear. Then both speech and rational thought deserted him.  
  
"And I believe I shall enjoy working * very* closely with you," that naturally husky voice murmured into his ear. "Towards a mutually satisfactory conclusion."  
  
"Thranduil," Glorfindel said, keeping his voice normal and breathing level only with grave difficulty, "what exactly are you suggesting?"  
  
Thranduil's fingers trailed down his throat, producing tremors in their wake, and casually undid the top clasp of Glorfindel's tunic. "I could explain it to you," Glorfindel heard. "But I think it would be more beneficial to both of us if I were to show you."  
  
Well, the purpose of this visit *was* to encourage closer relations with Eryn Lasgalen. So this was certainly in the spirit of things.  
  
"Aye," he said, closing his eyes involuntarily as the very talented fingers lightly brushed his chest. "We are in agreement on that." 


	2. Getting Into The Spirit Of Things

And here is part 2. Enjoy. :-)  
  
Melethron – beloved/lover (m)  
  
'Part 2'  
  
And so it came to pass that Haldir found himself working with Elladan to match-make Thranduil and Glorfindel all in the name of letting Legolas and Elrohir get laid in peace. He couldn't even begin to tabulate the number of objectionable things in that scenario. Unfortunately, Legolas had a way of convincing you to aid him even when you really, really didn't want to. Haldir had come to believe in recent years that he was finally becoming immune to this effect. He now suspected he might possible have been deluding himself.  
  
"Elladan," he said. "Why are we doing this?"  
  
Elladan scanned the tree, looking for the best way up. "Because we agreed we would."  
  
"Why did we do that?" Haldir asked, following his gaze.  
  
"Blackmail," Elladan said succinctly. He heaved his bag onto his back again. "Now come on, we have work to do."  
  
The two elves scaled the tall tree as befitted a Galadhrim and one who had spent much of his minority hiding up trees. They pulled their heavy packs up onto the balcony and did a quick survey of the room.  
  
"Secure the perimeter," Haldir ordered, for one blissful moment forgetting where he was and what he was doing.  
  
"Oh, yes sir!" Elladan said, rolling his eyes and giving Haldir a mock salute. Nevertheless, he did walk over and lock the door, which Haldir felt inordinately pleased about.  
  
"You do the bed, I'll do the candles," Elladan said, dumping his bag on the floor and opening it to reveal about three dozen elegantly tapered scented candles.  
  
Haldir opened his own bag and frowned at the pile of black satin. All this effort and he wasn't even going to enjoy the benefits.  
  
"Why do the sheets have to be black?"  
  
"They're both blond, it'll be a nice contrast."  
  
His frown deepened. "Blue would be better."  
  
Elladan paused in juggling three chunky white candles, catching them neatly as he raised an eyebrow at Haldir. "So sorry to offend your aesthetic sensibilities," he said sarcastically. "You're not the one who had to get a hold of them. It's not easy to explain why all this junk is needed for what is supposed to be a much-needed diplomatic exercise."  
  
Haldir smirked. "As opposed to some much-needed exercise between diplomats."  
  
Elladan looked slightly taken aback at the Lorien elf's uncharacteristic jest, but then grinned broadly. "Exactly," he said.  
  
Haldir made up the bed with military efficiency, every crease smoothed. Elladan then insisted on roughing things up and strewing flower petals everywhere.  
  
"This is supposed to get them in the mood for romance, not a strategy meeting," Elladan said, when Haldir objected. "Thank Eru one of us knows how to do this."  
  
No doubt as Elladan had intended, Haldir was most affronted by this and objected vehemently while Elladan lit the candles and put the finishing touches to the room.  
  
"Stunning," he finally pronounced.  
  
"Do you really think this will work?" Haldir asked, eyeing their handiwork sceptically.  
  
Elladan shrugged. "Hard to say. Could go either way. Depends how far Glory comes unglued."  
  
He laughed at Haldir's confused expression. "Glorfindel has this nice idea that when Thranduil's around he stays just as cool and calm as usual and never gives even the slightest hint that he's interested. No one's yet found the nerve to tell him that he blushes worse than a maiden at her initiation the second Thranduil comes into his sight."  
  
"So this might actually work?" Haldir said in surprise.  
  
"I certainly hope so," Elladan replied, grinning wolfishly. "Our Glory and the Mirkwood king - the possibilities for mischief are endless. Plus with Thranduil distracted, Lego and Ro might start using Legolas' bedroom instead of ours. I know we share practically everything, but ai! Even I have limits. That's one thing I do *not* want to see my brother doing."  
  
Judging by Haldir's look of distaste, he didn't much want to see it either.  
  
***  
  
While his composure, reputation and general masculinity were being called into question by one who was little more than a spoilt elfling with an overly well-known father, Glorfindel was reliving the days when he had been much the same. Until this moment he'd never imagined that the very well matured king of Eryn Lasgalen was capable of being so juvenile.  
  
Thranduil held the innocent-looking bottle up to the light. The liquid inside gleamed along with his eyes. "A few drops of this in any bottle of wine and even the stately Lord Elrond would be humping his way through the inhabitants of Imladris."  
  
It was on the tip of Glorfindel's tongue to say that Elrond really didn't need any encouragement in that department, but he held his peace. After all, he was still Elrond's seneschal and to reveal even a fraction of his vast mental store of blackmail material could alter the balance of power between Rivendell and Greenwood for centuries to come.  
  
Of course, in the last few days he'd already amassed quite a bit of information about Thranduil's . . . habits . . . that the peredhil would move fire and ice to know about.  
  
"Legolas is always with one of them. No doubt he will invite his flavour of the hour in for a quick glass of wine to round off the evening and then . . . " Thranduil chuckled, ". . . the Magic of Mirkwood will take care of the rest."  
  
"What if he invites them both in?" Glorfindel enquired, trying valiantly not to picture it.  
  
The corners of Thranduil's sensuous mouth curved upwards in a captivating smile. "I have faith in my son's ability to handle such a situation," was his uninformative answer.  
  
And to think, Glorfindel thought, I used to wonder where Legolas got this from.  
  
"So let us attend to business and then we can go enjoy the fruits of my son's labours."  
  
Glorfindel gave him a questioning look and Thranduil's smile widened.  
  
"They have been preparing my chambers for this evening, apparently under the illusion that I would require some assistance to get you in the mood." Thranduil paused. "Quite mistaken, wouldn't you say?"  
  
The air temperature in the immediate vicinity suddenly shot up like one of Mithrandir's fireworks as a practised hand began to delve inside Glorfindel's robes.  
  
"Aye," he managed, before he lost all semblance of coherency. "Quite mistaken."  
  
***  
  
"I still think this attempt is utterly futile," Haldir said, as he and Legolas walked down the hallway together. "They are both warriors of great experience and renown. Glorfindel has slain a Balrog, Thranduil has raised you. A few candles and a pot of massage oil within easy reach will not change their intentions towards each other.  
  
"Noooo," Legolas said, smirking and suddenly looking every inch his father's son. "But with a little Mirkwood Magic in the wine . . ."  
  
Oh Valar, anything but that.  
  
"Have you taken leave of your senses?" Haldir hissed, as he followed Legolas into his chambers. "It may work tonight, but tomorrow Thranduil or Glorfindel – and probably both – will chase you down and castrate you with your own knives."  
  
"Only if they are still capable of walking. And with that much Magic inside them, that's highly unlikely."  
  
Haldir winced at the image this evoked.  
  
He tried another tack.  
  
"Mellon-nin, I am only saying this because it is in your best interests. This is a very big risk for a relatively tiny gain and if nothing else logic dictates that . . ."  
  
"Wine, Haldir?"  
  
"I am not whining," Haldir objected, then registered the bottle Legolas was holding up. "Oh, I see. No, thank you. Now, as I was saying . . ."  
  
Haldir continued with his foolproof argument while Legolas poured himself a glass of wine, until he realised that his friend a) was not listening and b) had not the slightest intention of abandoning his suicidal plan.  
  
Then he wondered why he had even bothered. The moment he set foot back in Mirkwood, Legolas became Prince Legolas. And trying to talk sense into Prince Legolas was like trying to convince one of Elrond twins of the merits of celibacy.  
  
"Mmm," Legolas said, a thoughtful expression on his face as he poured himself another glass of wine. "A particularly good brew, if I am any judge. Are you sure I can't tempt you, Haldir?"  
  
"No, thank you. I find your brews a little too . . . robust."  
  
Which is to say that one glass made him feel like a visit to the Halls of Mandos was imminent.  
  
"I don't think you should worry yourself," Legolas was saying. "I have a good feeling about this. And even of it doesn't go quite to plan, there is always plan A."  
  
Plan A? Now what was plan A? Oh yes. Oh no . . .  
  
"Which I think," Legolas said, setting down his wineglass and trailing a hand lightly down Haldir's arm, "could prove . . . enjoyable."  
  
Haldir tried very hard to convince himself that this was in fact *not* happening and the way Legolas was moving towards him was entirely consistent with them being Just Good Friends.  
  
Then he felt Legolas' hand somewhere where, as far as he was concerned, no male's hand should ever, ever go.  
  
He bolted away, emitting a squeak that in no way made him sound like a frightened maiden. He let out a small involuntary sigh of relief, until he registered that he had in fact backed up against the door. The door which opened inwards. And Legolas was coming towards him again. He was trapped.  
  
"Legolas," Haldir said through his rising panic, having to employ all his skills to bat away his friend's hands – he seemed to have acquired half a dozen extra pairs in the last minute, "what are you doing? What about Elrohir?"  
  
Legolas stopped. Valar be praised!  
  
"True," Legolas said. Then he bent his head and started to nuzzle Haldir's neck. "We should really find him. I'm sure he'd love to join in."  
  
Haldir's previously dormant self-preservation instincts kicked in. Unfortunately, they kicked a little too hard. What he intended to do was gently push Legolas far enough from the door to enable him to escape. What he did was hurl him clear across the room.  
  
Somebody in Mandos' Halls clearly wanted to punish him, because Legolas landed square in the middle of the bed. On his back. Hair fanning out against the pillows in a golden halo.  
  
Legolas pushed himself up on an elbow and gave Haldir a flirtatious wink.  
  
"On the other hand," he said. "Maybe I would prefer to keep you all to myself."  
  
For a split second, Haldir stared at the picture he had somehow managed to create in abject disbelief. Then he spun around, wrenched open the door and ran.  
  
Behind him, he heard Legolas. Using a seductive tone Haldir had not imagined being directed at him even in his most twisted nightmares.  
  
"I'm coming for you, melethron . . ." 


	3. Everybody Hitting On Me, Cannot Cope

I *think* there will be a part 4. Needs a little finishing off maybe.  
  
Thanks all for your kind reviews! :- )  
  
'Part 3'  
  
Haldir's flight was terminated prematurely when he ran full pelt into something hard. Which resulted in him and the something crashing to the ground.  
  
"I never knew you felt this way about me, Haldir," came a dry voice from beneath him.  
  
At which point his brain fully registered that he was sitting astride Elrond's eldest – in what could reasonably be termed a suggestive manner – and he hurriedly got up again. So hurriedly that he promptly lost his balance and fell over backwards, landing in an undignified heap on the floor.  
  
"Is there any particular reason why you were charging down the corridor like you had half a dozen nazgul on your tail?" Elladan enquired, brushing dust off his robes as he picked himself up.  
  
"Something has happened to Legolas," Haldir said, considering that a gross understatement but unable to find the words to convey the enormity of the situation. "He tried to . . . he tried to seduce me. And unless you want him to turn on you, I suggest you run too."  
  
Elladan actually seemed to think this required consideration. Haldir elected to save the closest thing he had to an ally at that point from himself, grabbed Elladan's hand and yanked him off down the corridor.  
  
"How are we supposed to escape from him?" Elladan protested. "This is his home! He knows every room, every secret passage, every . . . aghhh!"  
  
The two elves registered the overly polished floor a split second too late and slid at great speed towards one very heavy oak door covered in potentially painful metal studs. Haldir desperately tried to grab hold of something, but all he could reach was Elladan. And since he was sliding too, this didn't help much.  
  
They hit the door together, producing a loud thump and a duet of foul curses as they landed in a heap on the floor once again.  
  
The door opened and an impressive golden figure appeared.  
  
King Thranduil surveyed the elven-heap in front of him. "Would you perhaps be good enough to explain exactly what you are doing trying to break down the door of my chambers?" he demanded.  
  
Then his gaze flicked to between the two bodies and he arched one fine dark brow at Haldir. Haldir belatedly realised he still had Elladan's hand clasped in his own and hurriedly let go of it.  
  
"The floor was slippery," he said, as he and Elladan got up and tried to recover some dignity. "It was an accident."  
  
"We were just trying to escape from Legolas," Elladan explained. "Apparently he's . . . not feeling like himself."  
  
Thranduil turned vaguely amused eyes to him. "In what way?"  
  
"I think he felt up Haldir," Elladan said, ignoring Haldir's angry expression. "Thus proving he's lost it."  
  
"The true proof of insanity," Haldir said icily, "would be for him to pursue you. And that he has yet to do."  
  
"There's still time."  
  
Thranduil quickly surmised what had happened and carefully controlled a smile. Trust his son to make things difficult.  
  
"There was no harm done," he said magnanimously, deigning to help the two elves up. "Perhaps a glass of wine will soothe the damage done."  
  
Haldir was about to agree – drinking himself into unconsciousness was now sounding very appealing – when Elladan elbowed him sharply in the ribs.  
  
"Are you not expecting company, sire?" Elladan said innocently, countering Haldir's glare with a meaningful look.  
  
Thranduil smiled. He might have known Legolas would enlist the help of his friends.  
  
"My company is . . . attending to other business," Thranduil said, his tone betraying a hint of irritation at that fact. "I have some time to spare."  
  
He opened the door fully and let them in. Haldir shut the door firmly behind him. And briefly considered barricading it.  
  
So involved was he in listening for sounds of an approaching amorous elf that he entirely forgot what Legolas had told him about the wine.  
  
That was, until Thranduil pinched his backside.  
  
Haldir jumped a clear foot in the air. His head whipped round and he stared at the king in a mixture of horror and disbelief.  
  
"Er . . . King Thranduil?" Haldir said, his brain stubbornly refusing to process what had just happened.  
  
"You are a very handsome elf," Thranduil said, reaching up and running a hand down Haldir's mane of hair.  
  
"Thank you," Haldir heard himself reply, in a voice that sounded quite unlike his own.  
  
"Such beauty shouldn't be covered up," Thranduil continued, looking Haldir up and down in a blatant assessment of his . . . attributes.  
  
Haldir shot a desperate look at Elladan – who was staring at them with his mouth open, his wine glass forgotten – and wondered if kneeing the king of Eryn Lasgalen in a delicate spot was likely to have any serious repercussions.  
  
"But of course," Thranduil added, his fingers now toying with the clasps of Haldir's tunic, "that can easily be taken care of."  
  
That was it. Diplomacy couldn't ask this much of him.  
  
"I'm sorry, I have a head-ache," Haldir gasped out. He didn't know quite what possessed him to say that, but it seemed appropriate even though it was blatantly untrue. He darted away from Thranduil, wrenched open the very heavy door – pulling a muscle or two in the process – and ran for his life – or at least his sanity – for the second time in ten minutes.  
  
Once his blood had stopped pounding in his ears and his normal hearing returned, the same blood chilled once again when he realised someone was chasing after him. And they were gaining on him.  
  
"For Elbereth's sake, just leave me alone!" he yelled back at them, not slowing down as he sped along corridor after corridor. "I don't care if you're royalty. I don't bed males, I don't like blondes and Valar *I* do the seducing!"  
  
"Well I do bed males and I do like blondes but I'm not Thranduil or Legolas and I'm not trying to seduce you so for Eru's sake. Just. Slow. Down," Elladan said, finally ending things by grabbing a fistful of Haldir's hair and yanking.  
  
Haldir yelled in pain and swung his fist to connect painfully with Elladan's jaw.  
  
"I suppose I deserved that," Elladan said grudgingly, looking sorely tempted to return the favour as he rubbed his aching jaw. "But not as much as Thranduil. What in Elbereth's name just happened to him?"  
  
"It's the wine," Haldir said hopelessly. "Legolas put Mirkwood Magic in it."  
  
Elladan looked blankly at him.  
  
"It's an aphrodisiac," Haldir explained. "Essentially it makes you jump on the first person you meet who you find even vaguely attractive. And depending on the dose, even that isn't always necessary."  
  
Elladan looked outraged. "How is it possible we didn't know about this? We've known Legolas for centuries and he never once mentioned such a fabulous invention. Do you even realise the possibilities this creates? The havoc we could wreak?"  
  
Haldir looked at him in disbelief. "Aye, I do, because THE KING OF MIRKWOOD JUST PINCHED MY BACKSIDE."  
  
"And Legolas didn't?"  
  
Haldir shuddered. "No, he . . . elected to attack from the front."  
  
A knowing smile spread over Elladan's face. "Ah, I see," he said. "Got to love an ellon who gets straight to the point."  
  
"This is not amusing."  
  
"Oh, I'm afraid it is," Elladan said. "I've never seen you so unglued. Shame there isn't a mirror around or you could see yourself."  
  
Haldir gave him a nasty look and tried to tidy himself up without looking like he was doing it.  
  
"When you've finished preening, maybe we can talk about what we're going to do with . . . Glorfindel."  
  
Haldir was about to reply that no matter what Elladan's preferences were, *he* was not going to do anything with Glorfindel even if he slew a dozen balrogs every day before breakfast. Then he realised Elladan was looking over his shoulder.  
  
"Hey, Glory," Elladan said cheerfully. "Where've you been?"  
  
His so-called 'guardian' looked rather less than pleased at the use of this particular nickname.  
  
"I have been assisting your brother in making some preparations," he said. "And I cannot stay, for I am already overdue for an appointment with King Thranduil."  
  
In a hurry or not, he couldn't fail to miss the exchange of glances between the other two elves.  
  
"What have you done?" Glorfindel asked sharply, knowing Elrond's eldest too well to give him the benefit of the doubt.  
  
"Thranduil's had a little dose of something called 'Mirkwood Magic'," Elladan replied, smirking.  
  
This seemed to mean more to Glorfindel than it had to Elladan. "I see," he said, his lips starting to twitch. "So I imagine he's . . . a handful."  
  
"Never got to find out," Elladan said cheekily. "He got a little too close to Haldir and we made a hasty retreat. We'll leave him for you to deal with, although I'd suggest finding him before he runs into Legolas, since apparently he's had a hefty dose too. I don't know how strong that stuff is, but by Eru I do *not* want to find out."  
  
Considering that Elladan said this at great speed and all in one breath, Glorfindel grasped the situation amazingly quickly. He even looked faintly amused.  
  
"You need not worry yourselves on that score," he assured them. "Your brother is taking care of Legolas as we speak. This seems to have fit in quite well with his plans for the evening."  
  
"I'll never get that image out of my head," Elladan muttered, looking slightly nauseated by the idea. It was nothing to how Haldir felt.  
  
Glorfindel leant down to whisper into Elladan's ear. "As it happens," he said, "it also agrees with my ideas for Thranduil. Those satin sheets you put on his bed have many uses, you know."  
  
With that he strolled up the corridor, a worrying bounce in his step, leaving a pair of rather green-looking elves in his wake.  
  
"Haldir," Elladan said. "Let's go and get drunk."  
  
Haldir froze and instinctively backed away from him.  
  
Elladan held up his hands. "No Mirkwood Magic, I swear," he said. "I have a couple of bottles of ice wine that I . . . borrowed . . . from the crates Adar sent with us. No headaches, no hard ons, just the chance to drink ourselves into a world where this whole day never happened. What do you say?"  
  
"It has a certain appeal," Haldir admitted.  
  
"You won't regret it," Elladan said, as they started to walk together. "Terrific stuff this is, excellent harvest."  
  
"And you will absolutely not try to seduce me because of the wine."  
  
"Definitely not."  
  
"Good."  
  
"I might, however, try to seduce you anyway."  
  
". . . "  
  
"But I know you'll say no, and that rather takes the fun out of it."  
  
"Good."  
  
"Although I do have considerable powers of persuasion."  
  
"No."  
  
"Ah, Haldir, you're no fun."  
  
"I know." 


	4. Straight Up

I'm pulling Haldir off the bench and putting him into the game. If this will bother anyone, please feel free to leave the stadium.  
  
Thanks all for the wonderful reviews! More coming (story that is, although hopefully reviews too). ;-) Five is written, six coming.  
  
'Part 4'  
  
Haldir had a suspicion. This was not uncommon, in fact there was rarely a time when he didn't, but it was of a new variety.  
  
He was quite familiar with the Evil Is Coming suspicion, usually preceding the discovery of something unspeakable under his bedcovers. (He, naturally, had outgrown such childish pranks several millennia ago. The overgrown elflings he was lumbered with for brothers apparently had not). He was also becoming accustomed to the Is There Something I Should Know? suspicion, present whenever Lord Celeborn asked him to do anything that ultimately involved removing his shirt. (This had once been a rare, nay freak occurrence, but since the departure of the Lady of the Light for Valinor it had begun happening with alarming regularity). No, this was something different. He knew without a shadow of a doubt that there was a plot afoot and that, somehow, it involved him.  
  
He did not feel that it was directly related to the actions of Legolas and Thranduil while under the influence of the Mirkwood Magic. Both had apologised speedily, eloquently and with great sincerity – although without the slightest hint that they had actually been in the wrong – and both seemed content with their respective . . . playmates. And yet Haldir was not foolish enough to believe that they were uninvolved. Where one found a conspiracy, a son of Oropher – indirectly or not – was never far away.  
  
He had also gained the strange impression that this plot somehow involved Elladan as a fellow victim. Which had led to him sharing his suspicions with the said Peredhil. Which had brought him to this supremely disturbing moment.  
  
"Legolas wants me to take you to bed," Elladan told him matter-of-factly, when Haldir had outlined the situation. "He thinks your horizons need broadening."  
  
Strangely enough, Haldir could not immediately think of a suitable response to that.  
  
"I told him you weren't interested," Elladan added helpfully, as the silence grew deafening.  
  
Haldir cleared his throat. "And . . . what did he say to that?" he said, almost afraid to ask.  
  
Elladan sat up, having been lazily sprawled in one of the easy chairs in Haldir's guest quarters. He proceeded to toss his hair over his shoulder, cock his head and deliver an imitation of Legolas that was really rather good.  
  
"Well use your skills and *make* him interested," he purred. "You know you want to."  
  
"Do you?"  
  
"Do I what?"  
  
"Want to?"  
  
"Of course," Elladan said cheerfully, settling himself back down again and folding his arms behind his head. "Thranduil's right, you know, you're really quite attractive. I've had worse in my bed."  
  
Haldir bristled and retorted that, from what he'd heard, the sons of Elrond would have orcs in their bed so long as they could be on top.  
  
To his surprise, rather than insult him back Elladan stiffened, the smile disappearing from his face. "That's not funny," he muttered.  
  
Whereupon Haldir remembered the fate the twins' mother had suffered and apologised awkwardly. He briefly considered trying to do something to take Elladan's mind off the memories, but everything his imagination threw up suggested to him that he'd been spending too much time with Legolas.  
  
"So, as I was saying," Elladan said, mercifully changing the subject and returning to his previous chirpy demeanour. "Legolas thinks I should try to seduce you, despite this odd idea you have that you're not interested in males . . . "  
  
"It is *not* an odd idea."  
  
"Of course it is. Even if your preference is for maids, how can you really appreciate silk if you haven't tried leather? Anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, as far as I can see there are three possible results to this would-be seduction. One, I succeed spectacularly. Two, I fail spectacularly. Three, I fail but make them think I've succeeded."  
  
"Two," Haldir said firmly.  
  
Elladan chuckled. "Oh my poor, naïve Haldir. Have you not realised after centuries of friendship with Legolas that once he gets an idea into his head it is impossible to shift? That my brother, with all his considerable talents in this area, is now his willing slave? He will not accept defeat in this and the sooner you at least pretend to yield to the inevitable, the better."  
  
"I," Haldir said resolutely, drawing himself up to his not inconsiderable height, "do *not* yield. Ever."  
  
"You don't know what you're missing."  
  
"And I am quite content with that state of affairs," Haldir snapped. "I have no intention of either allowing myself to be seduced by you or pretending so, and that is my final decision."  
  
It seemed an appropriate juncture to stalk out. So he did.  
  
Once outside the door, he remembered that this was, in fact, his room.  
  
Then he felt rather foolish.  
  
So he headed off in search of a certain golden-haired archer. With every intention of causing significant damage to his most prized arrow.  
  
***  
  
As it was, the prince and king of Eryn Lasgalen were doing the closest they came to father-son bonding.  
  
"So how is Elrohir?" Thranduil enquired, having now been granted a fair run- down.  
  
Legolas' eyes gleamed over the top of his wineglass. He took a sip and slowly ran his tongue across his lips.  
  
"Delicious," he pronounced wickedly. "How is Glorfindel?"  
  
"That is not for you to ask," Thranduil told him sternly.  
  
"No," Legolas agreed, sensing that his father was in one of his rare permissive moods. "But I should like to know all the same."  
  
Thranduil appeared to consider this, filling the gap with another mouthful of wine, which he swirled thoughtfully around his mouth. "He is . . . deserving of his reputation," he said finally, his tone betraying approval and nothing more.  
  
Legolas, who had spent too much of his youth hanging around Imladris not to have heard what that reputation was – in startling detail – felt a stab of almost fatherly pride at his supposed role in bringing them together.  
  
"So, you are not disappointed that I did not choose Haldir?" he enquired, somewhat hesitantly.  
  
Thranduil snorted. "Lorien will soon all but pass into legend. Rivendell will follow, true, but Elrond's hellions will have influence as long as they walk on Arda. Elrohir is a match for your station – or as close as is available. A match with that Galadhel would only benefit him – although doubtless you would influence him for the better."  
  
Legolas, who up to this point had believed that his father considered him to be an amoral corrupter of youth (as did the entire populations of Eryn Lasgalen, Rivendell and Lorien – much to his pride) was quite surprised, and a little worried, by this pronouncement.  
  
Thranduil's sharp eyes caught the flicker of doubt in his son's. "And I use the word 'better' in its loosest possible terms," he added. "But I have never understood your fondness for that elf. He is so . . . "  
  
"Straight?" Legolas suggested.  
  
"Unnaturally so. He behaves as though someone has inserted a large pole right up his backside and neglected to remove it."  
  
Legolas grinned. "In fact, just the opposite is true," he said, "and it would be well if someone did. But Elladan is taking care of that."  
  
Thranduil deigned to look interested. "A Peredhil against a Galadhel," he said thoughtfully. "That would be an interesting match to watch."  
  
"It would," Legolas agreed, brightening at the idea. "I wonder if Elladan would let us . . . "  
  
***  
  
Haldir returned to his room some two hours later having tried, and failed, to locate Legolas. His rage over the situation had not been satisfied and now here he was, all worked up and nothing to kill.  
  
And it was in this mood that he found the irritating Peredhil still present in his bedchamber, standing only a few steps away.  
  
"What are you still doing here?" he demanded irritably, debating with himself over whether Elrond would strongly object to losing a son.  
  
"I am doing what I was sent here to do," Elladan told him.  
  
Before Haldir could process this, Elladan had closed the gap between them and captured his mouth in a passionate kiss. A moment later, the momentum caused Haldir's back to slam against the heavy oak door. It probably should have hurt more than it seemed to.  
  
It wasn't really all that different to kissing a female, except for the sheer raw power of the body he was making a futile – and somehow rather half-hearted – attempt to push away. A thrill he hadn't felt since his first romantic adventures millennia before ran through his treacherous body and then coherent thought ceased.  
  
He managed to utter only a moan of protest when suddenly the mouth wasn't there anymore.  
  
"I'm seducing you," Elladan finished, and kissed him again.  
  
Why exactly had he thought this was a bad thing? 


	5. Nobody Hitting On Me, Cannot Cope

Been too long, I know. Thanks for all the reviews!  
  
'Part 5'  
  
The blissful suspended reality where Haldir was resident remained in existence until roughly 6 am the following morning. At that point the sun rose and he woke up.  
  
Then he registered three things. 1) There was someone lying next to him. 2) That person was snoring, loudly. 3) He was sore in a place that, to the best of his recall, he had never been sore in before.  
  
And then he remembered. In graphic detail.  
  
Every muscle in his body tensed. For a few seconds he lay there, rigid. Then, ever so slowly, as one approaches a delicate creature such as a butterfly, he turned his head to see if it really was who he thought it was.  
  
His last ray of hope extinguished, Haldir turned back and tried to assess the situation in something resembling a calm and rational manner.  
  
Sneaking out clearly wouldn't work, since these were his rooms and even in his current state of panic Haldir recognised that any attempt to seek sanctuary elsewhere would only backfire. Immortal life got rather dull at times and a story like this would be all round Eryn Lasgalen before an hour had lapsed. Equally, he couldn't very well blame it on the consumption of alcohol, since they hadn't had any. In fact, the plain and simply truth of the matter was that he had done it because he wanted to.  
  
He was forced to concede that Rumil, Orophin, Legolas and all the rest who had repeatedly told him that he didn't know what he was missing, might have had a point after all. Or perhaps the Peredhil was just unusually talented.  
  
Which brought him round to the question of what exactly he was going to do when the said Peredhil woke up. And on that, he was drawing a blank.  
  
He knew how this worked with ellith, of course. Either you wanted to repeat the experience, in which case you invited them to stay for breakfast, or you didn't, in which case you mentioned an early training session and (generally) they took the hint. Presumably it worked much the same with ellyn. All that needed to be decided was whether or not he wanted to do this again.  
  
He took another peek and started when he realised that his companion's eyes were no longer blank and vacant but bright and alert. Elladan was awake.  
  
"Good morning," he said.  
  
For a moment, Haldir panicked, the suitable response to such a challenge lost in a flood of contradictory emotions. Elladan gave him a curious look.  
  
"Morning," Haldir finally managed, getting a grip on himself through sheer force of will.  
  
"Last night was great," Elladan said.  
  
Haldir tried and failed to answer that and settled for nodding his agreement.  
  
Breakfast or training session? Breakfast or training session?  
  
"Listen, I promised to meet Elrohir early this morning and I have to bathe first," Elladan said, climbing out of bed and retrieving his leggings from the floor. "So I'll catch up with you later."  
  
Haldir, momentarily distracted both by the sight of Elladan's firm backside and a hasty analysis of just how he had failed to notice this before, did not fully register that straight away. Elladan was by the door in what seemed like seconds.  
  
"See you around," he said, and went.  
  
Haldir lay, staring at the door, for several seconds. Then he realised where he had heard those words before. He'd said them to the countless ellith he'd assigned to his 'once was enough' pile. He, Haldir of Lorien, had just been given the brush-off.  
  
So this was what it felt like.  
  
And then another thought occurred. Did this mean there had been something . . . lacking . . . in his performance?  
  
Hurt and confusion were quickly replaced by anger, however. Nobody rejected him. His record was unblemished and it would remain so. No arrogant Elrondion was going to alter that.  
  
There was nothing else for it. He was going to get Elladan back into his bed – begging - if it was the last thing he did.  
  
***  
  
Legolas had had a rather late night, what with one thing and another, and had just returned to his own chambers and crawled back into bed in the hope of getting a few more hours' sleep when Haldir burst in, ranting about many things, none of which made sense.  
  
When he finally heard enough to get the gist of it, his eyes widened.  
  
"Elladan took you to bed?" he asked, marvelling at the extent of his friend's talents. "Already? How was it?"  
  
Haldir gave him an exasperated look. "I just told you," he said. "He gave me the brush-off."  
  
Legolas stared. "He did what? What did he say?"  
  
Haldir sat down heavily on the end of the bed as Legolas pulled his exhausted body into a sitting position.  
  
"He said that he had an early meeting with Elrohir so he had to go, and then . . ." Haldir paused for effect, ". . . he said he would see me around."  
  
"He really did give you the brush-off," Legolas agreed, somewhat awed.  
  
"I feel used," Haldir muttered. "Used and rejected. Is that normal?"  
  
"I wouldn't know," Legolas said, smirking despite himself. "It's never happened to me."  
  
Haldir gave him a foul look. "And it never happened to me until this morning. You have to tell me what I did wrong. Clearly this is something you know far more about."  
  
Legolas' jaw dropped. "You want me to teach you how to seduce an ellon?" he asked faintly.  
  
Haldir gave a barely perceptible nod. Legolas' fragile self-control snapped and he began to laugh hysterically.  
  
"This is not funny," Haldir said sulkily, feeling less angry and more ridiculous by the second.  
  
"Yes it is," Legolas managed to get out, wiping tears from his eyes with the bed sheet. "You are asking me for romantic advice – and about an ellon at that. This is the funniest thing I've heard in centuries. Just wait until I tell . . . "  
  
"No!" Haldir interrupted. "Absolutely not. You will tell no one, least of all Elrohir."  
  
"You do seem to be taking this very seriously," Legolas remarked, when his laughing fit had ceased. "Almost like . . . you care for him."  
  
"I do not," Haldir stated flatly. "This is about my reputation, which he has called into question with his unfathomable behaviour. He may have begun this, but *I* shall end it. Is that clear?"  
  
"Perfectly," Legolas agreed, all the while thinking that he had to talk to Elladan the second he got out of there.  
  
***  
  
"It's really quite simple," Elladan said, when Legolas finally managed to escape and find him. "This is my plan to get Haldir."  
  
"By rejecting him?"  
  
"Exactly," Elladan said cheerfully. "It may have escaped your notice, but I've had a thing for him for quite some time and now that I've got him within my grasp I have no intention of letting him get away. And the only way to get an elf like Haldir is to let him do all the chasing. Or, at least, make him think he is."  
  
"But you just as good as told him that you didn't want him."  
  
"Which made him run right to you and demand to know what he could do to get me back."  
  
Legolas started to smile. "This is beginning to sound promising," he said thoughtfully. "What should I do?"  
  
"Anything you want, just don't tell him the truth."  
  
"Right," Legolas said, perking up considerably. "That I can do."  
  
***  
  
Thranduil stood at the window of his study wisely reflecting on his next task before he began it. It was not procrastination when kings did it.  
  
At the moment, however, his attention was very much focused on whatever it was that was going on beneath his window.  
  
One of the twins – it was probably Elladan since Legolas and Elrohir now seemed to be surgically attached to each other – was half-lying on a bench in the rose garden, pretending to read a book. Concealed in the bushes a short distance away was the uptight Galadhel his son was so inexplicably fond of. His eyes never left the Peredhil.  
  
Behind the hedge on the opposite side of the garden was Glorfindel, apparently just as intrigued by the proceedings as Thranduil himself was. Almost as if he could sense his presence, Glorfindel looked up at the window and caught his eye and the two lovers shared an amused look.  
  
Movement in the corner of Thranduil's vision caught his attention and he turned to see his only son, hand in hand with Elrond's second one, sneaking up to join Glorfindel. The three conducted a rapid conversation entirely with gestures, rather resembling an over-enthusiastic game of charades. Thranduil watched as his lover's finely-arched golden brows made their way skyward and briefly considered hurrying down there to find out exactly what was going on. He abandoned this idea, however, when Haldir suddenly abandoned his hiding place and made himself known.  
  
Elladan looked up from his book (not having turned even one page in twenty minutes, so far as Thranduil had seen) and nodded his head in greeting. "Good afternoon," he said, and looked back down again.  
  
"Oh, Elladan, I didn't realise you were here," Haldir said, in quite the worst attempt at sounding casual that Thranduil had ever heard. Glorfindel and Elrohir pinched their lips tightly together to keep from laughing, while Legolas put his head in his hands.  
  
"Well I am," Elladan said.  
  
"Oh," Haldir said. He shifted his weight onto his left foot, then his right. Neither seemed to help. "Well, since I've found you, I mean met you, I was wondering if you would like to have dinner with me tonight. Just a casual dinner, you know, between friends."  
  
Now it was the turn of Thranduil's eyebrows to rise. Frankly he'd thought this plan of Legolas' was a little ambitious, since no one was likely to overcome the uptight guardian's self-chosen limits. He should have learnt by now not to underestimate a relation of Elrond.  
  
"Actually I have a prior engagement tonight," Elladan said, in a tone of insincere regret. "I am dining with Captain Belen. I always enjoy his company. Are you acquainted with him?"  
  
Apparently Haldir was. The Captain of the Guard of Eryn Lasgalen had a reputation for being as fierce a lover as he was a warrior, with an appetite to match. Thranduil idly wondered if he should warn Lord Celeborn that he might soon be losing his head guardian, since the look on Haldir's face strongly suggested that that soon only one of the two guards would be alive.  
  
"That sounds delightful," Haldir replied, through gritted teeth.  
  
"Oh I'm sure he . . . it . . . will be," Elladan said, letting a knowing smile tug at the corners of his mouth. "But perhaps some other time."  
  
"Some other time," Haldir echoed. He forced something barely resembling a smile onto his face. "Well, I must be off," he said, and stalked out of the garden.  
  
To Thranduil's great amusement, as soon as Haldir was safely out of sight Elladan turned and gave the watchers behind the hedge a ribald wink.  
  
And then he settled down and actually started to read his book.  
  
***  
  
Dinner that evening was thoroughly entertaining. Haldir spent the entire meal alternately picking at his food and looking mournfully at Elladan's empty place setting (and then trying to pretend he hadn't when he realised someone was looking at him) and the others spent it trying not to laugh at him.  
  
At least that was until Legolas decided it would be a good idea to make a few, entirely neutral comments about Captain Belen.  
  
"If I hadn't found Elrohir, I'd be fighting Elladan to get to him," Legolas said, helping himself to more plum sauce. "All of Eryn Lasgalen agrees he's the most handsome of all the guards."  
  
Haldir stabbed his vegetables viciously. A small one of unknown variety was catapulted into his water glass. He fished it out, flushing.  
  
"He is skilled as a warrior," Legolas went on, pretending not to notice. "And, by all accounts, in other areas as well."  
  
Haldir glowered at his plate.  
  
"Yes, Elladan is certainly a very, very lucky elf," Legolas finished cheerfully.  
  
Haldir shoved his chair back with force. Unfortunately, one of the legs caught in a small groove in the floor and a moment later Haldir and the chair crashed to the ground.  
  
"Are you all right, Haldir?" Thranduil enquired, as Glorfindel helped him up again.  
  
"Perfectly," Haldir replied, which was more or less true. Only his pride was seriously injured. "If you will excuse me, I have a pressing matter to attend to."  
  
Thranduil had little chance to disagree, partly because Haldir barely waited for a reply and partly because at any moment one of the over-sized elflings at the table (and that included the one-time Lord of the Golden Flower, whose composure was hanging by a thread) would explode with laughter. And Thranduil was now well versed enough in the plan to realise that this would be disastrous.  
  
Dinner seemed rather dull after that.  
  
***  
  
Haldir, meanwhile, found that his brain and his spinal column had been disconnected. His brain pointed out, quite reasonably, a) that Elladan had already rejected him once and b) that Captain Belen was as skilled a warrior as he and there was every chance that challenging him would end in being beaten to a bloody pulp. In return, his body told his brain firmly that it was going to do this whether his brain liked it or not.  
  
He didn't bother to knock when he reached Elladan's quarters, choosing instead to fling open the door in a dramatic manner he felt suitable in the circumstances. What this revealed was Elladan, wearing leggings and nothing else, apparently quite alone.  
  
"Can I help you?" he asked dryly, casually dropping the towel he had been using to dry his hair on the end of the bed.  
  
"Where is Captain Belen?" Haldir demanded, doing a quick sweep of the room and finally eyeing the oversized wardrobe with suspicion.  
  
Elladan raised an eyebrow. "Not here, I suggest you try the barracks if you want him."  
  
"I don't," Haldir said, as his vocal cords were hijacked. "I want *you*."  
  
And that was the last either of them spoke for quite some time. 


	6. Bad Heir Day

Many, many apologies to everyone for taking so very long to update. Even more apologies to all those waiting for more of 'Traps'. I'm afraid a fox got in with the plot bunnies and, well, it wasn't pretty.

You'll be thrilled to know that I have written to the end of this fic. I need to polish the other parts a bit, but hopefully there shouldn't be any more long waits.

'Part 6'

On first meeting Legolas Thranduillion, the prince had informed Haldir that he could make absolutely anyone do absolutely anything he wanted.

Haldir, understandably, had looked indulgently at him and laughed. After all, at that point the heir to Mirkwood had been barely into his majority, rather skinny and very pretty, with doe-like blue eyes that made one rather inclined to pat his head. In fact, Haldir had done just that.

Shortly afterwards, rapidly bruising and bleeding from several orifices, he'd learnt an important lesson. Appearances can be terribly misleading.

And not long afterwards, he'd learnt another. When Legolas said that he could make absolutely anyone do absolutely anything, he was not boasting, nor was he even exaggerating. He was stating the plain, honest truth.

And judging by what Haldir was currently witnessing, Thranduil possessed the same gift.

It was a good thing Glorfindel didn't appear to have any reservations about the use of . . . accessories.

"What can you see?" Legolas called impatiently, those doe-like eyes glaring up at the rather shell-shocked Haldir from the ground.

"More than I ever wanted to," Haldir mumbled, finally managing to tear his eyes away and starting to climb back down the creepers again.

"When will you start taking this seriously?" Legolas demanded. "I need to know what's going on between them. I can't go off to Ithilien until I know that Adar has someone here to entertain him."

"I sincerely hope," Haldir said, jumping lightly back onto the ground besides Legolas, "that you have never entertained your father like that."

Legolas gave him a disdainful look. "I do have some limits, you know." He stared up at Thranduil's window again thoughtfully. "So, what are they up to?"

"You don't want to know," Haldir replied. "Suffice to say, be glad you didn't have to witness it."

Legolas rolled his eyes. "Honestly! Do you really think I'm that easily shocked? Naneth's been in Valinor a long time you know, I am used to this. Besides, whatever they're doing up there you can bet I'll have tried at some point. But I digress. The important point is, are they being romantic?"

Well, that certainly wasn't the first adjective that sprang to mind.

"What precisely do you mean, 'romantic'?" Haldir asked carefully.

Legolas threw up his hands. "I don't know, I thought you were supposed to know about this stuff? Did you see flowers? Hear romantic music? Candles lighting the room?"

"There were candles in use," Haldir said. "But under the circumstances, lighting them probably would have been a mistake."

"Clearly they need help."

"Your entire family needs help."

"Are you helping me or not?"

"No."

"Good. We need to find Elladan."

Haldir tried to occupy his mind by wondering how Legolas had learnt to twist the meaning of 'no' so thoroughly and not think about his friend turned bed-partner turned something-he-didn't-have-a-word-for. He was still trying to decide whether he could find any rational explanation for taking an extended break in Imladris after his sojourn here without telling anyone the actual truth.

"I think Adar should get married again," Legolas was saying, as he led Haldir off to search for their friend. "Or, at least, install someone permanent at the palace. He's been on his own far too long. Besides, he's had a thing for Glorfindel forever."

Forever in Legolas speak meant anything over a fortnight. At least in regard to relationships.

"Speaking of which," Haldir said snidely, "It must be several weeks now. Surely it's about time you threw Elrohir over and moved on to your next victim?"

Legolas held up his chin and avoided Haldir's gaze. "I've decided to give him an extension, in recognition of his considerable talents."

Haldir suspected that was probably the closest Legolas would ever come to a declaration of love.

"Besides," Legolas said casually. "Now you're with Elladan there's a nice symmetry. It would be a shame to break up the four. You'll have to dump him first."

Ah, so easy to say . . .

"Why should I have to break up the four? You started it."

"Ohhhhhh . . . getting attached to him are we?"

Silence.

* * *

"No, never, not under any circumstances," Haldir said, now firmly convinced that Legolas had lost his fragile grip on his sanity.

"I personally think it's a great idea," Elladan said, idly letting another arrow fly. It hit dead centre.

"Don't you want Adar to be happy?" Legolas asked innocently.

"Not more than I want to stay alive," Haldir said, wondering – not for the first time – what had possessed him to make friends with the heir to Eryn Lasgalen. All the other ellyn had sensibly either tried to seduce him or shoot him, but no . . . he'd had to be different.

"I'm just suggesting that we give them a tiny little push in the right direction," Legolas wheedled. "Romance really isn't Adar's strong point."

Elladan snorted. "And you are going to be his teacher? The blind leading the blind."

"I resent that," Legolas said hotly. "I am very romantic. Just ask Elrohir."

Elladan rolled his eyes at Haldir and mouthed 'I did'.

"Be that as it may, you have interfered quite enough," Haldir said sternly. "Even if King Thranduil has plans to wed again – which seems unlikely considering what came out of his last binding – he will not thank you for trying to 'help'."

"What do you mean?" Legolas said, narrowing his eyes at Haldir. "He got me!"

"Yes, because you're every father's dream come true," Elladan said dryly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Legolas demanded.

"A season after you'd passed your majority you'd bedded all but three of your father's guards, all but one of his chief advisers, all his personal servants, half the kitchen staff and your archery instructor," Elladan said.

Legolas blinked at him, looking vaguely confused. "And that's bad?" he said. "I was just stretching my muscles a little. I'll admit I wasn't terribly discriminating . . ."

"Terribly discriminating?" Haldir interrupted. "When you first came to Lorien, by the time we had led you to Caras Galadhon I was the only one of my patrol you hadn't had."

Legolas smiled to himself, apparently lost in fond memories. "Ah, the famed hospitality of the Galadhrim," he mused. "I really should visit again."

"You can't, you've been banned," Haldir reminded him. "If you remember, when the fellowship left the Golden Wood Lady Galadriel gave you a bow of the Galadhrim as a reminder that you would be shot by one if you ever tried to return."

"What did you do?" Elladan asked, impressed. Even he hadn't managed to provoke such a reaction.

"Oh, nothing much," Legolas said, still smiling.

Haldir gave a loud cough that sounded suspiciously like 'Celeborn!'. Elladan grimaced.

"I'm beginning to suspect that you're consciously trying to work your way through the family," he said. He frowned. "I'm insulted that I wasn't first."

"If we could get back to the issue at hand," Haldir said loudly, giving Elladan a foul look. "I for one want no part in this plan."

"Oh, Haldir, you never want to have any fun," Legolas complained. "Elladan, convince him."

Elladan turned to look at Haldir as Legolas strolled off in search of Elrohir.

"I will not be convinced," Haldir declared. "I have made my decision and nothing you say or do will make me change my mind."

* * *

If this was the example Thranduil set his subjects, then it was a miracle that Eryn Lasgalen was still standing.

Haldir stomped down the corridor, muttering about Thranduil's questionable parentage. He couldn't doubt Legolas', since he now had irrefutable proof that the prince was nothing more than a chip off the proverbial block.

"I've been thinking," Thranduil had told him, flashing the trademark charming smile that put Haldir immediately on his guard. "My son is of an age now when he should be thinking of settling down."

Oh, no.

"And I would like your assistance with convincing him."

He hated Eryn Lasgalen. Hated it.

"What do you think?"

All he had to do was refuse.

"I don't know if I am suited to this task, sire."

"Wonderful. Here are the rings."

What was it with this family?!

So he was stomping, cursing himself, Thranduil, Legolas and anyone else he could think of. He tried to pass a curtained alcove, but ended up with his hands full of velvet and his mouth full of Peredhil.

"So," Elladan enquired (after all, they hadn't seen each other in three hours), "how's your day going?"

Haldir, recovering his wits with difficulty, brandished a pair of rings in front of Elladan's eyes.

"I don't know what to say," Elladan said, pressing a hand to his chest and looking at Haldir through his lashes in a maidenly fashion. "This is just so sudden."

"They're for Legolas."

"Heartbreaker," Elladan said, pretending to pout. "Why are they for Legolas?"

"Thranduil wants him married off."

Elladan examined the rings, made of finest mithril with in-laid emeralds. "We could just keep them and let Thranduil do his own dirty work. I mean, Legolas married? By the time that happens he'll have forgotten he gave them to you anyway."

"By the end of the summer."

Elladan stared at him for a few seconds, then suffered a short hysterical fit.

"A triple wedding, then!" he exclaimed finally. "Thrandy and Glory, Lego and Ro, you and me. Adar will be thrilled, it's not everyday he gets all three of us out of his hair for good. If anyone can do it, Thranduil can."

"Actually I think I'm doing it," Haldir said hopelessly.

"Ah," Elladan said, doubt flickering in his eyes. "Well, good luck."

"Which of course means that you're helping," Haldir told him.

Elladan looked as though he would protest, then nodded in resignation.

Hmmm, so there were advantages in being part of a couple.

Not that they were, obviously. They were just friends. Friends who . . . wrestled a lot.

Or something like that.

* * *

"I hate to say it, but it would be a lot easier if Elrohir were a maiden," Elladan said. "If we could get him pregnant, then Lego would marry him."

"Would he?" Haldir asked doubtfully.

"Any ellon with a scrap of honour in him would," Glorfindel commented idly, only half paying attention since Thranduil was practising (shirt-less) in the grounds below and tearing his eyes away was rather difficult.

Haldir stared at him impassively. "I repeat, would he?"

"Point taken," Elladan said. "But it doesn't really matter since I'm fairly sure we're going to need another tactic to fix this. You realise the season will be over in less than a month?"

"Yes," Haldir said shortly.

"How much mirivor would it take to get Legolas that drunk?"

"More than is available on Arda."

"Mirkwood magic?"

"They wouldn't stop rutting long enough to go through the ceremony. They barely do at the moment"

"Could we hypnotise him?"

"Been tried."

"Bribe him?"

"That too."

"Tie him up and beat him into submission?"

"He likes it too much."

"And this is from personal experience?" Elladan asked, eyes narrowed. "I thought you weren't interested in males until you met me?"

"My brothers," Haldir clarified. "And something I really wish I hadn't walked in on."

Elladan grinned. "I'm surprised he didn't ask you to join in."

"He did."

"That's our Lego," Elladan agreed, shaking his head. "Never believes there's anything he can't get if he wants it. Hang on a minute, that gives me an idea . . . "


	7. Ringing the Changes

Part 7

"Things are not going well," Thranduil remarked, as Glorfindel and he settled on his balcony to share a sunset and a bottle from his private stores.

"In what regard?"

"Elrohir and my son."

"I thought a union between them was what you desired?"

Thranduil swirled the wine in his glass around thoughtfully. "A union between Legolas and one of Elrond's sons, aye," he agreed. "I must confess I have never attempted to distinguish between them. But now I come to find that they are . . . quite different . . . and I question Elrohir's ability to perform the task facing him."

"Which is?"

"To tame Legolas."

Glorfindel took another sip of wine while he contemplated how to explain to Thranduil that were one to cross-breed an orc and a balrog, the result would be easier to tame than Legolas.

"A difficult task, indeed," he offered at length.

"And I doubt very much if Elrohir is the elf to achieve it. It is more than a pity that Elladan has turned his attentions to that uptight galadhel." Thranduil sighed. "Mark my words, if anyone could convince Legolas to enter matrimony, it would be Elladan."

xxx

"I," Elladan said, taking his place next to Legolas and notching an arrow, "have a proposition for you."

Legolas' arrow split his previous one in two perfect halves (as had his last twenty) and he turned to Elladan looking interested. "I always like those," he said. "I haven't been properly propositioned since before Elrohir." He toyed with his bowstring, looking disconcerted. "It's been weeks now."

Elladan rolled his eyes. "What I was thinking is this," he said. "Thranduil's going to blow up like Mount Doom when he finds out about you trying to match make him and Glory, right?"

"It seems likely," Legolas agreed, feigning disinterest as he prepared for another shot.

"So what you need is some serious help."

Legolas raised an eyebrow. "And you're offering your assistance out of the goodness of your heart."

"Very funny," Elladan said, not laughing. "No, I'm offering my assistance on the understanding that I get yours for something I'm working on."

"Which is?"

"I want to bind to Haldir before the end of the season."

Legolas looked at him, stared at him and then snorted. "Haldir? Bind to you? Before the end of the season? How are you going to do that? Drug him? Hypnotise him? Beat him into submission?"

"I'm going to use my natural charm," Elladan said, finding it surprisingly easy to act affronted.

Legolas just laughed. "No chance," he said. "There is no way that you will persuade Haldir to bind to you before the end of the millennium, let alone the end of the season."

"What would you know," Elladan muttered.

Legolas' eyes narrowed. "I heard that. What does that mean?"

"Only that eternal commitment isn't exactly your area of expertise," Elladan told him. "For most of your life you haven't had the same bed-partner two nights running. Believe me, your chances of getting Elrohir to wed you make me and Haldir look like a sure thing."

"Nonsense," Legolas dismissed it. "If I wanted to wed Elrohir, we would be wed. And it wouldn't take a whole month either."

"Prove it."

Legolas looked startled. "What?"

"Prove it. You can't tell me you could do better and let's face it, it's been two months and for you that's eternity already."

"And what if I don't happen to want to wed him?"

"I suppose that's as good an excuse as any."

"It's not an excuse."

"Whatever you say."

"Are you questioning my powers of persuasion?" Legolas demanded.

"No, they seem quite good. Maybe you're just lacking in . . . other areas."

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"Nothing. Just that Elrohir's not lacking in offers, you know. If you can't keep him satisfied . . . "

Legolas' expression had moved past insulted to dangerous. "I," he said firmly, "do not have the slightest difficulty keeping my lover satisfied. I could have any elf I want, he's lucky to have me and he'd never think of going elsewhere."

"I'm sure you're right," Elladan said comfortingly, patting his arm.

Legolas' next arrow missed the target completely.

xxx

There was something seriously wrong with Legolas.

First, he'd taken the binding rings from Haldir without even a raised eyebrow. Second, they'd had a twenty minutes conversation without one single suggestive comment. Third, he had actually bent over in front of the prince to get out the rings and Legolas hadn't even looked him over, let alone felt him up. Fourth, Elladan was going round looking infuriatingly smug, which clearly meant that he was the cause of it.

He'd have been worried about it if he hadn't been so busy stalking Glorfindel.

Of course he wasn't really stalking him, just trying to get him alone long enough for a quick chat. This was proving rather difficult, since when he wasn't under Thranduil's . . .eye. . . he seemed to be holed up with Elrohir having long mysterious conversations. Haldir hoped for Glorfindel's sake that there was nothing illicit going on between them. Balrog Slayer or not, Mordor had no fury like Legolas scorned. And, from what he'd seen, he suspected that Thranduil wouldn't just bend over and take it either.

As it was, by the time Haldir managed five minutes alone with him, Glorfindel was preparing for bed – amazingly alone – and was clad in nothing but a pair of tight black leggings. This did not aid concentration. And having explained his predicament, he was somewhat nonplussed to discover that Glorfindel didn't seem worried about the situation one bit. In fact he just chuckled and murmured 'like father, like son' in an amused voice.

"Don't concern yourself about Thranduil and I," Glorfindel finally said, mysteriously. "We have a little . . . wager. The outcome of which should solve the problem."

"But what if you lose?" Haldir enquired.

Glorfindel grinned. "I won't lose," he said. "Thranduil always forgets that you should never underestimate a peredhil."

xxx

Three days later, Elrohir and Legolas were conspicuous by their absence at dinner. The next morning, Eryn Lasgalen was convulsed by their appearance at breakfast wearing emerald betrothal rings and rather dazed expressions. Haldir, who had worked up quite an appetite between entering Elladan's rooms an hour before and the present time, was very much focused on his food and did not immediately notice. But unbelievable news travels fast and in moments the whispers had travelled down to him.

Haldir nearly fell off his chair. He turned to Elladan, expecting a similar expression of shock, and met with a smug grin that left no doubt as to his involvement. Haldir had to take a moment to marvel at the extent of Elladan's talents (over and above the ones he'd already revealed) before he, like the rest of Eryn Lasgalen, collapsed into a stunned stupor.

Later that evening, when Haldir had thanked Elladan properly for his help with Legolas and Elrohir and they were both rather tired, Haldir lazily asked what Elladan was going to do about getting Glorfindel and Thranduil together. So Elladan told him.

Once Haldir had stopped hyperventilating, he asked Elladan to repeat his plan.

"Glory has bet Thranduil that you and I will be wed before the end of the summer," Elladan repeated. "And Thrandy has conveniently declared that if that ever happens it will be a sign from the Valar that he's meant to wed a second time and so he and Glory will tie the knot, which takes care of everything. So, how about it?"

"You are proposing to me solely in order to help someone else win a bet?" Haldir said, now on a new, higher plan of disbelief.

"No, not solely," Elladan comforted him. "You're also pretty hot stuff in bed."

Haldir almost didn't know how to respond to that. Almost.

"No," he said flatly.

"I thought you might say that," Elladan said, looking neither surprised nor put off.

"I wonder why!"

"Just hear me out . . ."

"I will not hear you out. My answer is no. Now and for all time."

"Yes, but . . ."

"No! No buts. I am not interested in buts."

"I can't say I've noticed that myself."

Haldir growled and headed for the door of Elladan's suite, only to find his way blocked. Elladan folded his arms and looked at him. Haldir narrowed his eyes and debated whether or not he could take him. When he wasn't willing, that was.

"Five minutes, Haldir, that's all I'm asking for. And then I'll devote my undivided attention to making this up to you."

Oh, if only there hadn't been quite so many possibilities contained in that promise.

"Five minutes," Haldir said grudgingly, not moving any further from the door.

"Excellent," Elladan said, not moving either. "As I was going to say, we don't actually need to get bonded. All we have to do is role play a little."

The idea got Haldir a little distracted, sparking off as it did images of Elladan wearing his circlet, a smile and not much else.

"We should lie to Thranduil and Glorfindel?" he asked distractedly.

"Essentially."

"Won't they be angry?"

"Extremely."

"Isn't that a problem?"

"Not necessarily. It wouldn't be diplomatic to kill me."

"What about me?"

"Nor you, husband."

"Do not call me that," Haldir said, his mind clearing briefly. "Under no circumstances am I agreeing to this ridiculous plan."

"Really? Not even if I . . . ?"

xxx

"Congratulations!"

Haldir might have enjoyed the bemused expression on Thranduil's face if he hadn't been quite so worried about getting caught out.

"This seems a bit . . . sudden," Thranduil remarked.

"Well, when you find the one you're supposed to share your life with, after only a few days it feels like you've known each other for eternity," Elladan said earnestly, turning doe-like eyes to Haldir. Haldir tried not to roll his eyes.

"And when were you considering having the ceremony?"

"Adar is visiting with Lord Celeborn in Lorien at the moment," Elladan said. "So we're going there. I couldn't wed without him being there and Celeborn is like a father to Haldir."

Haldir suppressed a snort with grave difficulty and hoped fervently that most fathers did not discharge their duties to their sons as Celeborn did.

"Much as we hate to depart from your realm before duty forces us to," Elladan finished.

"It is fortunate then that you will not have to," Thranduil said, in a suspiciously neutral tone.

Haldir tensed as his finely –tuned instincts recognised danger. Elladan's affectionate grip on his hand tightened to more than what was comfortable.

"I just received a message from your father," Thranduil said, his eyes searching their faces. "He intends to join us briefly in Eryn Lasgalen before accompanying you back to Imladris. It seems that Elrohir has already informed him of his betrothal." He smiled. "And I'm sure that once Lord Celeborn hears of your own plans he will wish to attend too. No doubt your brothers will desire to be present also."

Haldir quickly looked down at his feet to hide the fact that his eyes had widened in terror. The mere thought of his brothers discovering that, after years of denying the possibility, he had now lain with a male (and a son of Elrond at that) send him into paroxysms of dread. The prospect of them arriving to witness his binding to one – if they managed the journey after such a shock – caused all powers of speech to temporarily desert him. He let out a small squeak of terror.

"What perfect timing," Elladan said.

Haldir's glare promised retribution later.

xxx

"I will admit that this is something of a set back," Elladan said.

"This is not a set back," Haldir stated flatly. "This is a disaster. 'It'll be easy', you said. 'We'll just disappear for a month or two and then send a note saying we're wed. They'll get married and we tell them it was a practical joke.' We cannot do that when they're going to witness the ceremony!"

"Don't worry," Elladan told him soothingly. "Legolas is taking care of it. He'll make sure that everything turns out fine."

Now why didn't he find that reassuring . . . ?


	8. Fit To Be Tied

Written it and it still takes weeks to get it up. Ah well, finished now. Hope you've enjoyed it. Thanks for all the reviews.

'Part 8'

For all Haldir's fevered imaginings about his brothers' reactions to The News, they seemed to take it admirably calmly.

"I suppose you're wondering what Elladan has that made me change my mind," Haldir asked finally.

Two silver-blond heads shook.

"Not really," Orophin said.

"Not at all," Rumil confirmed.

"You see, our rooms are right next to Elladan's."

"And the walls are rather thin."

"And you're both rather loud."

They grinned wolfishly. "So it wasn't hard to guess," they said in unison.

Haldir had flushed a dull red and started talking about the weather.

But it certainly could have been a lot worse. For once Haldir was really grateful for having befriended the prince of Eryn Lasgalen, since the impending nuptials of love-em and leave-em Legolas rather overshadowed his own. Haldir, among many others, kept expecting to hear that it had been broken off. Yet days went by, a date was fixed, outfits made, decorations selected and a feast prepared and still Legolas was betrothed. The sizeable collection of friends that Elrohir had made in the Greenwood started praying that the prince wouldn't leave him at the altar. Elladan concealed various restraints in his ceremonial robes in case he tried it.

So it wasn't until Elrond and Celeborn arrived and started fussing over him that Haldir really had a chance to worry. It didn't help that Elrond's stunningly enthusiastic welcome of his son's supposed husband-to-be made him feel horribly guilty for deceiving him. It wasn't an emotion he was used to, or keen on. Stronger than this, however, was fear of what the two – three including Thranduil – elven lords would do to him when they discovered this was all a sham. He suspected it would hurt.

The big day began abruptly, with both his brothers landing on his bed at the same moment and very nearly catapulting him onto the floor. They he remembered what day it was and acute nausea was added to his pounding heart and shaking hands. It took considerable effort to get himself out of bed and start the day. And he hadn't taken more than a dozen steps down the corridor before he began to wish fervently that he'd stayed there.

"Tiny hitch," Elladan said, after he'd run his hand over Haldir's backside in a manner which he seemed to think passed for a greeting.

Knowing the peredhil's talent for understatement, a 'tiny hitch' could be anything from a missing button on his tunic to a crazed balrog within lashing distance.

"Which is?" Haldir asked, trying not to panic.

"I lost Elrohir."

Haldir halted and yanked Elladan into a broom closet.

"Well, this is nice," Elladan said, running his finger along a shelf and coming up with a finger load of dust, "but your bed would probably be more comfortable."

"What do you mean you've lost Elrohir?" Haldir demanded, too distracted even to give him a dirty look.

"I mean I lost him," Elladan repeated. "As in, I can't find him, I don't know where he is, I . . . "

"He's not with Legolas?"

"No. Night before the big day and all that, they're not supposed to sleep together. So naturally Legolas' room is the first place I looked. Word of advice - avoid him. His attendant accidentally put the wrong oil in his bath and now he smells like a flower garden. I got there just in time to rescue the poor thing from having the oil bottle forcibly inserted in him."

"Which is nothing compared to what Legolas will do to us when he finds out Elrohir is gone," Haldir exclaimed. "Only one person has ever stood Legolas up in his entire life and he went off to Valinor three days later. And that was just for a tryst - this is his wedding! If Elrohir doesn't come back soon you'll have to travel to the four corners of Arda just to reassemble enough of him to bury."

Elladan grimaced. "Under normal circumstances, I'd just think you were being a drama queen. With Legolas . . . you're probably right. Which is why under no circumstances can Legolas find out."

"You don't think he'll notice if his husband-to-be doesn't show up?"

"He will."

"But what if you can't find him?"

"I'm not going to find him. You're going to find him. I'm going to pretend to be him."

Haldir stared. "Oh no," he spluttered. "Oh no, no, no, no, no. You can't marry him."

"Why not? I'm not married to anyone else."

"Well not yet," Haldir said. "I mean, not at all. I mean . . . you just can't."

"Well I know it's a bit unorthodox, but I'm sure the Valar will understand that it's an emergency. Besides, if you find him it won't need to go that far."

"But you don't know where he's gone! He could have left Mirkwood! He could have left Arda!"

"He's only been gone a couple of hours. Minor case of cold feet. He's probably trembling under a table somewhere. Wouldn't you if you were about to be married to Legolas?"

"I do not tremble," said Haldir, who was.

Elladan smirked. "Be that as it may, this is really nothing to worry about. Against all the odds – not to mention the laws of common sense – Ro really loves him and will get himself to the altar. We just need to worry about Legolas."

"And us," Haldir reminded him.

"We'll do that later. Right now I have to go report to Adar, pretend to be Ro and explain why I'm not there. And listen to his pre-marital advice, which is a laugh since what he knows about wedded bliss would fit on a leaf stem."

Haldir gulped, remembering that Lord Celeborn had summoned him for a similar talk.

"Elladan," he said, "couldn't we elope? Now?"

"Well, we could," Elladan agreed, patting his shoulder. "But I certainly don't want to be the one to explain to Legolas that you've run off with his fiancé."

xxx

By the time the appointed hour rolled around, Haldir was a nervous wreck.

A mercifully short meeting with Celeborn had left him more prepared for Mandos than matrimony (perhaps fortunately, since he had little doubt that was where he would be headed by the end of the day), since in a brief half hour his Lord had managed to shatter every illusion Haldir had about him. By the time he'd escaped, he'd understood quite clearly why Galadriel had elected to go to Valinor on her own. Some elves might believe the whole 'special connection to Arda' thing, but he knew better.

And then, just to calm his nerves, a run in with the newly de-scented Legolas. He was decked out in silver and gold, drawing every eye in the palace and then blinding them with the light reflecting off his tunic.

"Haldir," he demanded, without even a nod of greeting. "Have you seen Elrohir?"

Haldir's eyes darkened. He'd certainly seen Elladan pretending to be Elrohir, putting up with the heart broken elves simpering over him far too good-naturedly for his liking. He'd had no idea that Elrohir was so admired.

"He's around," he replied shiftily, trying to remove a stubborn knot from his hair. "You're not supposed to see each other before the wedding anyway."

Legolas snorted. "No one keeps that rule. You and Elladan certainly haven't."

"We hardly count. We're only doing this to help you anyway."

"True," Legolas agreed. He grinned at Haldir. "So, what kind of escape plan have you fixed up?"

Haldir's whole body chilled. "Elladan told me that you were taking care of it," he said faintly.

"Did he?" Legolas said, sounding idly amused. "Well it's a pity he didn't tell me, isn't it? I supposed you'll just have to figure something out for yourselves. You've still got twenty minutes. I'm off to find Elrohir."

So, before the day was out he'd either have to turn husband or kin-slayer. Not an easy decision.

xxx

Guests had gathered by the time Haldir got to the hall, intent on causing harm. A large screen had been set up at the back, divided in two by a curtain. Haldir slipped behind it, fought off an elleth who wanted to twist flowers into his hair (marigolds – ridiculous when he only looked really delectable in cool colours) and slipped round the curtain and into the second half.

He'd have seen red even if Elladan's tunic hadn't been crimson. Pretending to be his brother was one thing, kissing Legolas was quite another.

Common sense, coherent thought and propriety abandoned him, replaced by an intense need to cause the prince of Mirkwood physical pain.

The assembled guests had an inkling that something might just be wrong when a roar of outrage reverberated round the room. A moment later the elegant carved screen came crashing to the ground with two blond ellyn on top of it.

Legolas had been caught by surprise, but he was too much a warrior not to recover and quickly attacked. Haldir, too intent on causing his former friend pain to remember his training, resorted to attacking any part of Legolas he could get a grip on – starting with his hair – until he found them both being forcibly restrained.

He tried to turn his ferocity on his captor, until two more sets of hands grabbed him.

"Haldir, what in Elbereth's name are you doing?!"

Haldir looked up at the very familiar voice to see Elladan. Elladan looking bemused. Elladan looking bemused and wearing a royal blue tunic.

Oh.

Ooops.

"I'm stopping Legolas from kissing you," Haldir muttered, barely audibly.

The concerned onlookers started to look amused.

"Well, obviously that wasn't me," Elladan told him, as the galadhel was released from Glorfindel's vice-like grip.

"Obviously," Legolas growled. Thranduil still had a tight hold on him.

Haldir turned sheepish eyes to the red-clad twin. "You found Elrohir, then," he said weakly. "That's good."

"There were a few moments' silence. Then Legolas' dangerous gaze shifted to his soon-to-be-husband. "What does he mean he found you?!"

Elrohir gulped.

While Legolas and Elrohir held a heated discussion in fierce whispers behind the resurrected screen, which the guests tried to pretend they weren't straining to hear, Elladan and Haldir had a few words of their own.

"So you were really going to fight Legolas over me, huh?"

"It seems so."

"Because you thought we were kissing."

"It looked like you were."

"You know how you could make sure I'd never kiss Legolas? Or anyone else?"

"How?"

"Bind to me. For real. Today."

"If I must."

Rumil and Orophin, who weren't ever pretending not to listen, elbowed each other in the ribs and grinned.

xxx

In many ways the actual ceremony (aside from Legolas, whose face grew progressively greyer and pastier with every word until, upon being informed that he was now a bound elf with a husband, leant heavily against Elrohir looking ready to faint) was rather an anti-climax. As it was it took much of the evening (much of the next century, if he was honest) for Haldir to convince himself that it had actually happened and he had really doomed himself to eternity with his stubborn, infuriating, trouble-magnet of a husband. What Legolas thought of his new position no one knew, since he and Elrohir had vanished to their nuptial chambers before half an hour had elapsed.

"I'm surprised you two are still here," Glorfindel commented, as he joined a rather despondent Haldir and handed him a glass of Thranduil's strongest.

"Every time we've tried to escape one of my brothers has proposed a toast," Haldir said tightly. "And now Lord Celeborn won't let Elladan leave his side."

Glorfindel laughed. "Well, you have eternity together, after all," he said.

Haldir bit back a rude retort. "As will you when you are bound," he said instead. "Have you and Thranduil discussed dates?"

"Most likely it will not be for several years at least, to give Eryn Lasgalen time to recover from this one."

"I take it you are pleased to win your bet?"

"Very. I didn't doubt I would. Most may assume that Legolas has Elrohir at his beck and call, but I suspect Elrohir doesn't have trouble holding his own."

Haldir's brow furrowed. "But your bet was about myself and Elladan," he said.

Glorfindel chuckled. "My dear Haldir, no one would ever bet on you and Elladan. Thranduil wagered that Legolas and Elrohir would never wed."

Haldir thought about this calmly for a few moments and then rose. "Do excuse me a moment," he said politely to Glorfindel, before heading off in a direct line to his dark-housed spouse.

Elladan spied his mate's expression en route and knew he would have Mordor to pay as soon as he was caught.

"If you would excuse me just one second, I have to run for my life," he told Celeborn. And fled.

Thus the last that was seen of the binding mates that day was Elladan of Imladris running out of the assembly hall with Haldir of Lorien hot on his tail.

So nice to see everyone getting along.


End file.
